Children: A Chapter in Your Life and Your Solitude

Two of our children are 18 and older. One is in uni, another one is starting this Fall. The youngest is a teen. I love them all very much. During this adventure, I have realized something that I didn't see when they were younger. 

If I live to 80-100, my daily mothering of them is just a short chapter in my life - perhaps 1/5-1/4 of it. Yes, I will always be there for them for as long as I live, but the daily parenting, driving them to places, packing lunches and when they were younger - changing diapers and all the baby business - all of that flurry of activity, disappears when they leave "the nest." 

When I was in the middle of nursing and running after toddlers, I thought that this busy motherhood was my life from now on. 

But - it is not.

It is just a short moment.

Gone in a a short 18+ years.

So mothers, and fathers, remember that. 

They will leave the nest to fulfill their own dreams and find their own partners, which we want for them. 

And in the meantime, do not forget about yourself.

Moms, do not forget about the woman you are - your passions, your hobbies, how you danced and sang songs. Do not forget about her - under the piles of laundry, dirty dishes, jeans and t-shirts. If she liked to get all dolled up and enjoyed a night out - then make time to do that. If she liked to play piano or guitar  - make time for that. Even when the kids are young. 

Dads, do not forget about the man you are - your passions, hobbies - how you danced to your favorite tunes. Do not forget about him - under the taxes, the oil changes, the hockey practices. If he liked to play a sport or write stories - make time for that. 

Both of you, make solitude time for you. Make sure you keep you individual identity while maintaining the family identity. Do not forget about her. Do not forget about him. It is very important to do so.

Relationships and Peace

I was just walking the dog and saw a couple taking a walk together. They looked like they were together and then I heard her say “You have no logical reasoning. What did I say? I told you that twice” and then he said something. She stepped back and started to turn around. People yearn for connection. But once in a relationship, it is work, trying to understand each other. But then sometimes it is stressful or even distressful. Great if you are part of a couple in which distress is minimal or nonexistent. 

From a psychological point of view, why do we disturb our peace for "coupledom"? 

A broader question which I will explore in my next book! 

Updates for 2025

Dear Everyone,

Happy 2025!

It has been a while since I have written. Many things have happened in my life and am just now absorbing and processing. I think I will start writing again as the stories I have within me are ready to be told. 

Some stories about motherhood with older children. New stories about my career, sabbaticals to Harvard and Stanford, the launching of our book, the journey with cancer (I am ok now!), my music productions and Spotify debut, and the emotional experience of an amicable, conscious uncoupling. Co-parenting. How I learned so much about myself through it all. So many things to share - I will try to write weekly. I hope these stories help anyone who might be going through any of these, anyone who decides to lead an authentic life and walk another direction when everyone else seems to be walking elsewhere.

I might take these new stories to another website - will let you know if I do.

Thank-you for reading, thank-you for either visiting for the first time or coming back after I had taken a break. Ready for some stories? Stay tuned.

Top Seven Secrets

Here are some secrets (my opinion only) summarized on one page based on a more than a decade of experience with scientific colleagues in and out of academia. You may read more about each in detail on my other posts.

1. To save a few years in the academic track, use your PhD as a base when deciding on the postdoc. Either stay with the same technology and apply it to a different model OR stay in your area of research and learn a new technology to expand it. For example, my PhD was in the genomic mapping of a pediatric illness. A good postdoc geared towards an academic career would have been to expand my genomic mapping skills to another illness OR performed proteomics (next step) for the same illness. Some postdocs do change everything in it entirety - but then be prepared to spend more time as a PDF. Remember however, if you take some part of your PhD with you, find an agreement with your advisor so you are not competing with each other in future work. 

2. Optimize your PhD - try to make it the best in science and collaborations so that you might even start an innovation, patent, or company from it.

3. Find mentors 5-10 years your senior so they can tell you which grants to apply for as a postdoc and a young professor or which biotech companies have good science and good people.

4. Read everything so you know what is going on in this world. Figure out the need, combine your passion and scientific background and CREATE something good. Talk to the right people who can advise you on the marketability. Communications is key. Here is an inspirational example of baby Embrace started by Stanford grad students which I have spoken about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWaifO274UQ 

Everyone of you have this potential.

5. If you are pursuing an academic postdoc and you realize you are off to industry, publish more collaborative papers. Industry looks for collaborative, excellent scientists.

6. Maintain research integrity, know the legal issues which revolve around science patents and company partnerships.

7. Creativity again is essential in integrating the rest of life, especially when having children. Create and propose a shift in your career that works for both you and the company/institution. 

Life's Career Transitions

Here are life's transition moments:

1. Undergraduate to Graduate school
2. Graduate school to Postdoc(s)
3. Postdoc(s) to a "Real" Job
4. Early Scientist to Mid-Career Scientist
5. Mid to Late
6. Official "Retirement"

Somewhere in there, there is also a side-step transition into motherhood or fatherhood, and then back. Some may have more than one postdoc. Some may have many mid-career transitions. Some may have multiple careers such as an academic administrator, CEO, author, mentor.

One of my advisors retired recently, and I found that he was faced with a similiar career transition. He still wants to give back, but was always the professor and researcher. It may take him a while to find his niche after the "official" retirement. Having said that, he faces the same issues as we do, transitioning from postdoc to industry, motherhood back to career.

Career transition skills continue throughout life. It only really hits grad students and postdocs, as they are no longer told which class to take, which papers to write. Students and postdocs have to use their own career transition skills, combined with their science to come up with their career niche. That's challenging for some, as these skills have never really been fostered for them.

Going from school to postdocs and perhaps even the first job is the easy part. When the expected job progression is "modified" with children, aging parents, downsizing companies, outside interests, then life becomes interesting. Life brings forth an "intermission" time which you can reflect and self assess. These are the rare moments in life when you can see what you are really made out of.

Really Live Each Day

If this was your last day, would you be happy with what you accomplished, what you contributed to the world?

It's the little things. Did you listen to your loved ones? Did you take the time to really listen and hug your children? Did you contribute to your work with as much passion as you wanted to? Did you say good night with nothing left unsaid and no one left upset? Were you content with your actions and your words towards other people?

Did you sing or dance? Singing, whether you are a vocalist or not, is an expression of your soul. You must sing - in the car when you are by yourself or out loud with a huge audience. You feel better. I am a scientist, but my whole life would be very empty without the expression of the spirit. If you haven't carried a tune in a long time, try it. Hum while you walk or email.

Sing, work, play, laugh, love, stay good... everyday...like it's your last.
"Live life with your head, each day with your heart."

That is happiness.

Dividing the Hours in a Day

Some people have asked me "What is your typical day like?"

Well, the days can be different, according to the activities lined up. Some days, the kids need more of my time if they are sick, or I am volunteering at their school. On days which I am on conferences, meetings or speaking engagements, I do not see the children as much.

However, on a typical day, I see my kids for breakfast and off to school, at lunchtime, and after school. I try to walk most of the time, to fit in my exercise. My work fits in during their class hours and after they are in bed by 7:30/8 pm until midnight or so. My husband and I usually work side-by-side in the evening. Hence, it is important to set up an reasonably early sleeping routine in their earlier years (see Healthy Babies, Sleeping Babies.) Once in a while, my husband and I have date night (see Date Your Spouse.) Once a week, we each take one night for our own exercise activities or friends. My music students take lessons on weekend early mornings and some right after school. I also squeeze in my own piano practicing all over the day. At night, I use the damper pedal as my little ones sleep.

Speaking of seeing my kids at lunch, I played a game with my 4 year-old the other day where she put a rice cake in her mouth and I ate the other half. Her incessant giggles brought forth more silliness. I laughed. She laughed. I am happy to be at home with them at this time.

On that note, I'm off to work on this week's piano piece....

The Job...after Baby #2

Between the 2.5 years of my two children, I had a great integration of science and life. As Director of Application Science, I was responsible for sales, marketing, scientific collaborations, and customer relations. The miracles of webinars and conference calls made working from home with 2 kids possible. I had some babysitters in the home, but I still nursed and spent time with my babies. Throughout my several years at the start-up company, I had worn many hats. With the upcoming delivery of my second child, I worked until the week before I was due. Although I had proposed to find my replacement, my CEO again took care of it for me. I mostly trained the new Sales and Marketing guy, as I wanted to continue the other work from home.

After a few months of maternity leave, I came to the realization that I wanted to work as a Consultant basis, mostly on finding potential new partners. Some days were busier than others; I mostly spend time nurturing and helping my daughters develop into people of good character. I have gone through months on just being a Mom, especially while the kids were younger. For all those parents who are faced with taking care of newborns while trying to stay on top of science: don't worry too much. Your science career, publication record and network will not go anywhere. Taking the extra time for children is lovely. I would not trade it for the world! Just remember to keep reading, try to consult for your previous work, attend a conference when you can, try to sit on a scientific advisory board, stay in touch with your network, ask one of your mentors if you can review some of their papers, keep mentoring others.

As my children are finishing up the last lap of "primary" years, I find myself newly inspired to dive into more work. Some people who take time for children may be accused of "not being serious" about science. I find that unfortunate. Life is interwoven with work, children, parents, circumstance. Since I have taken this time, I feel more inspired. I am a professional multi-tasker. Yes, I have directed a conference call followed immediately by a nursing session and then tending to toddler while making dinner. I am more inspired to tell my story and help other graduate students. Perhaps even change the career direction myself. It's a life-long process. I am currently engaging in more mentorship roles and giving career development seminars at my alma mater. I am linking up students with colleagues who I think can help them. I find this work to be very rewarding.

In short, I would say the "job" right now with 2 kids in tow would be full-time Mom, part-time science & career consultant, part-time music student, composer and teacher, part-time artist (yes, I also attend a School of Art,)  full-time wife, and full-time at living life to its fullest.

Other Secrets to Life: Feedback & Follow Up

During my training with the Dale Carnegie Sales and Marketing Course, my instructor gave me one piece of advice that stayed with me and helped me with everything. "You need to have feedback and followup."

He told me a story about his first marriage and relationship with his daughter.

"I just did not listen. I heard her words, but I did not ask for feedback on how I was doing as a husband. I think if I knew at that time what I know now, we would not have divorced. Now, I ask for feedback from my teenager. Every month we sit together with a piece of paper that has two columns - what I appreciated from your actions and what I did not like so much. She had written in the first column 'Dad, I love that you attend my soccer games.' In the second column, she wrote 'But would you please not shout out my name?' I had not known she felt uncomfortable with this. Now I knew, and I stopped. My relationship with her has been great since I started these feedback forms. It is one thing to say it; but when it is on paper, it is taken a bit more seriously."

As a parent, I think I will also be applying to my children soon, as they have become more skilled at communicating. As a graduate student and postdoc, it is essential to have this exchange with your advisor. Perhaps a form with "Great job with......" and "I would like you to help me with..." for both sides. This could be done every quarter so that progress and development is made on paper and kept as a record. Graduate students are usually afraid to write comments for their supervisor for fear of the recommendation letter; so as Bioch Grad Student Union Member, I handed out a form for everyone to write what they appreciated and needed more from a supervisor. I then compiled all the comments and sent it out to faculty, so they at least had a general, anonymous feedback. Publications alone do not make a postdoctoral and graduate experience. I also started this type of feedback form during my fellowship for the postdocs coming in after me.

When I worked in Biotech Sales and Marketing, follow-up was essential in making the deals, and feedback was essential in maintaining the relationship with clients. In a career transition, follow-up is critical in making the contacts, and feedback is essential in finding that transition a reality. As a scientist, follow-up is critical when you find a potential collaborator or industry lead. Feedback maintains the strong collaboration. These concepts all apply to any relationship that want you want to maintain, as a parent, spouse, friend, colleague.

Communications. I heard the other day that inventions are made tinkering in the lab, but innovations that affect the world are born by the coffee machine.

This is a great segue into the next entry of the importance of networking.

The Job...after the Baby Came

After my transition to a new start-up biotech company in the States, I worked as Senior Researcher (a bit of work on the bench) and then as a Principal Investigator. My SBIR grant was awarded! I then transitioned to Product Management and Client Relations. The great thing about a start-up was that I gained experience wearing many different hats. My forte was in interpersonal communications and helping other scientists. I was fortunate enough to build working relationships with many researchers from various biotech companies, academics, government, and hospitals. It was a thrill to help their science with our company's technology and my personality.

As my pregnancy progressed, I spoke to the CEO about my maternity leave options. I told him I would help train someone to fill in for my 3 month mat leave, and if possible, the new employee could help me as I thought I would want a part-time work-from-home position at least for the first year. We worked out a deal so during my pregnancy, I trained a lovely newly graduate MSc student who had contacted our company about an internship position. None was advertised, but she had taken the initiative. Nice.

My delivery was an extremely difficult one, I could not step on stairs for 6 weeks nor sit down without a special cushion for 5 months. Sorry, did not mean to scare anyone, but I made it through strong enough to deliver a second one :) Anyhow, my boss actually came to visit me a few times and I received an extra month for mat leave. Along with two postpartum doulas during the first few months, I also hired a part-time nanny (M) to help take care of my nursing baby. M was a also an MSc sociology student interested in child development so it was part of her studies to be placed in a home like ours. She was fabulous and smart; and after her, I had high expectations with everyone else that came along. I still keep in touch with her and send her pictures of the girls. She told me that being in our home made her realize she herself would try to have children when she could have the option to have an assistant. It's hard with just one parent during the day!

Our nanny would play and take care of Baby while I would work in my home office, eat lunch with her and nurse her. I remember having a conference call and them immediately after, tend to a nursing. My baby did not take milk from a bottle, so it was all Mama! :) I would visit the office at least twice a week, sometimes with her, to catch up on meetings and the latest updates.

Since the new intern had taken over the product management duties, my title became Director of Application Science. I managed collaborations with pharma and other bio industries, helped the software team with bio applications and testing, and started a new area for me of sales and marketing. The CEO even hired a Dale Carnegie Sales and Marketing Instructor to come to our home to train me.

My first conference with baby was when she was a year old. Before we flew out to the west coast, I hired a nanny from a reputable agency recommended by the conference organizers, and she stayed in the hotel suite/louge area with baby. I would tend to my booth duties and attend talks, but come back to nurse every 4-5 hours. Since my husband was also there representing the same company, it was great having him there to help at night.

My integration of baby, marriage and job was very satisfying for me. I was happy at work and at home. What was the secret? I knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted to keep my job at least part-time or variation there of, so I made proposals about what I wanted to do that could meet the demands of the company. I had already proven myself to be successful for the company so they worked with me. I knew I wanted to stay at home with Baby and so I created the job to "work" for me and my personal happiness.

I kept right on going for a few years and then baby number 2 was on her way. What happened after that? That will be for another entry.

You can check out the stories of returning to full-time work with 3 month baby at http://sciencecareers.sciencemag.org/career_magazine/previous_issues/articles/2010_03_19/caredit.a1000029




 

Date Your Spouse

It is very important to stay in touch with your spouse or partner. With kids, jobs, housework, bills, home projects, it is very easy to establish a family partnership. You must, to keep everything running smoothly. Sometimes, through all that bustle, you lose each other. To prevent that, try to make time for each other with date night.

No need to hire a sitter and go out, as both of you are probably exhausted anyway by the time the kids are tucked in bed. All that is needed is at least one evening a week where all electronic devices are turned off. No TV, no phones, no texts, no emails, no surfing the web, just the two of you with 2 cups of tea, a long time of conversation and reconnection.

Even throughout the day, as you pass each other in the hallway or help each other with dishes, kiss lightly or hug, in front of the kids. They like to see how Mommy and Daddy are close and loving. They giggle, but inside, they are reassured that everything is ok.

Enjoy your own interests on your own, once a week. My husband plays hockey one night a week, sometimes he goes to the golf range. I have an evening of piano lessons, figure skating, or an art class. We see our guys/girlfriends on our own once in a while.

Send each other love emails once in while.
Read each other's old love emails while you were dating.
And yes, I still feel the "butterflies" when I see my husband in a crowded room. :)

The Secret to Life: Really Listen

Everybody seems to want to know the secret to life...how do I decide on a major? Career? Date? Spouse? How do I raise my children? What path should I take now? It seems to be the same answer...for everything. One word. Listen.

Listen to your heart, your loved ones, your children, your spouse... just listen. Really listen. Many people can hear the words, but I have not met many people who can really listen. Listen to the words, the way they were said, the facial expression, the body language, the hesitations.

I have had many conversation, scientific and otherwise, where the other person is already nodding and asking the next question before I have finished speaking. To really listen and acknowledge that you've heard it, try the fast food rule (taken from "Getting Your Toddler from No to Yes.")
The first thing the counter person does when you order food is to repeat your order.

I will use a very simple example.
Toddler is crying "I don't want to wear my boots!"
Parents usually say "Put on your boots!"
Toddler cries harder. Parent is more frustrated.

Alternative method
Parent just repeats calmly "I see, You do not want to wear boots right now."
Toddler will stop crying because you have acknowledged you listened. You heard them. You hear THEIR wishes.
Then you say "Sweetie, I know you don't want to wear the boots. Why?"
Toddler will usually say something not logical to an adult.
Acknowledge that and add "But it is raining. Your feet will get wet. Do you want to sit in wet feet all day?"
Toddler will then usually say "Ok, I will wear them."
If not, have them try to sit in wet feet that day. Then they will learn, but do not get upset. Stay calm and they will never have that issue again.


Here is an industry science example.

"I do not have the budget for that product." If you were the field scientist, you may want to stop the conversation there.

Alternative method:
"I see. You do not have the budget for our product."
"Yes"
"You see that you can save time, resources and money by using our products."
"Yes"
"So, how we can find a financial plan that will work with your budget? Do you have an upper limit? We can give you a special package. Shall I speak to you supervisor?"
"Ok."

If you really listen, acknowledge that you understand the question or request, and then address their concerns, issues become non issues.

As for life choices such as career, you listen to your heart. What do I want to do to contribute to society? Then you plan the steps by listening to those around you who have experienced it. If you are a paving a new career path, then you may need to talk a variety of people. For me, I listened to my heart, my loved ones, other scientists and my own music teachers to achieve my career goals. Listening is a simple concept, but to so do effectively is sometimes not as easy to accomplish.

Introduction

I wanted to write a story to share with other parents, graduate students, postdocs and bioscience professionals. To those who are pursuing higher education, an academic or science industry position while maintaining a happy life, this is my story.

I completed a PhD in Biochemistry/Genomics at U of Toronto, a visiting year at MIT, a 2 year postdoc training at U of Michigan and have been in the biotech industry since. During this time, I married my sweetheart after my postdoc and am lucky enough to have 2 lovely daughters. I have tried to maintain as much science as I can while taking care of the well-being of my children. I was the one who would question how a woman would take a leave from a science career to take care of children...and after seeing my first born, I totally understood. I could not leave my baby with anyone else. I brought this life into this world and I wanted to take her and help mold the physical, intellectual and emotional growth of this child. That to me, was a full-time job. Different moms feel differently, but I felt that was right for me.

So, after a few years of a Senior Research Scientist/Product Manager position and after four months of maternity leave, I transformed my working description to what I wanted to pursue with the flexibility to work from home with 1-2 visits/week to the office as Director of Application Science. My proposal went well with the CEO and my balance of motherhood and industry blossomed. After the birth of my second baby while my first one was two, I have worked as an occasional Consultant from home (or away at a conference) as my days and nights were pretty busy!

I have always been active in music, piano, songwriting, vocals. My first vocal performance was at a church when I as three and I always loved the piano. I missed that aspect of my life so I started to teach my daughters (ages 6 and 3). Pretty soon, their friends wanted to learn, and now I have nine other students. I had always wanted to teach piano and music ever since my grad school days, and my "dream" is now a reality.

This is a story of how I integrate the PhD, science, family and my artistic passion for music. There will be passages about grad school, mentoring, marriage, landing the job, having babies, school issues and pursuing the artistic side. Much to cover, but I hope that some of these stories may help other students and parents balance everything in this short adventure called life.